This weekend is your last chance to enter our “Worst Valentine’s Date Ever” contest! Here are more melancholy missives to get your creative juices flowing:
Un-Romancing the Stone
Well without a doubt it was 1990. I was all set for an evening of romance and of course deliciously wicked sex. I had picked up a few new toys, and nice bottle of wine, and of course chocolates. My ex had sent our son to the grandparents, made dinner and picked up a video for after. All day at work I had thoughts of what the fun we were going to have that evening. Diner was excellent, we were having a great time and then she went and popped in the video into the VCR. The screen flickered and I wondered what we were about to watch, would it be a classic romance? a porn? NOOOOO it was perhaps the least romantic film I have ever seen, it was the 1989 film War of the Roses. It is a black comedy about a wealthy couple with a seemingly perfect marriage. When their marriage begins to fall apart, material possessions become the center of an outrageous and bitter divorce battle. Needless to say there was no sexy time that night. The moral of the story is never let her pick the film.
It could have been worse. She could have picked ‘Hoffa’ or ‘Jack the Bear.’
The Show Must Go On
This doubles as not only my worst Valentine’s, but also the worst date I’ve EVER been on.
My boyfriend’s uncle was playing a background part in a local production of the opera Carmen. Boyfriend told me that he had free tickets because of it and wanted to take me for Valentine’s. I got so excited because I love the opera and had always wanted to go to a live show and thought it would be great for a VDay date. I was proven incredibly wrong.
Here I am, dressed to kill, waiting to be picked up. It’s not his car that picks me up. It’s his aunt, with him in the passenger seat. I asked about dinner and was told that both of them had already eaten, so there were no plans to eat at all. We got to the venue, where he takes me to the ticket counter and tells me that I had to purchase my own ticket. I asked about the free tickets he said he had. “Oh, yeah. We got two free tickets, one for me and the other for my aunt. I never had a third one for you.” I didn’t have the money to buy my own ticket. When I explained this to him, his response was the most embarrassing thing I think anyone could do. He started panhandling to complete strangers to get me a ticket. I couldn’t believe it. He somehow was able to gather up the money to buy me the ticket, but every part of me didn’t want to stay there. Anyway, so the show starts, and i’m in the most amazing seat, except that I’m nowhere near the boyfriend and the aunt. I was however, dead center on the bottom floor, right about in the middle of the rows. Not too far forward or too far backwards. Just perfect. However, I decided that it would be more appropriate though, if I were sitting with my own company. So after intermission, I went to sit with them…only to find that I was at the very back of the right wing and could barely see a thing. “free tickets for family” apparently meant all the seats they knew they’d never fill. The worst part of everything was afterwards, when I confronted him about how terrible the night was, he didn’t see how he’d done anything wrong.
We’re guessing that this Night at the Opera was followed by A Night in the Doghouse.
Don’t miss out on your chance to win over $400 worth of great prizes, including the brand new Red and Black Neon Wand! Everyone who enters gets something, so turn your misery into profit today! Contest ends at 11:59PM PST this Sunday night!
Another day, another holiday horror story from our faithful followers! In fact, 2 of them! These tickled our fancy enough that we wanted to share them with you!
Think you can beat these mortifying memories with your own cautionary recollection? Send your entries to firstname.lastname@example.org by 11:59PM PST Sunday night to be entered to win the grand prize (worth over $400) or one of our runner-up prizes. Everyone who submits an eligible entry will receive something, so what do you have to lose?
It’s Not Super-Effective…
“As I’m trying to write this story, I don’t know where to begin. Perhaps the best way to start this is to say that this was the day I decided to give up my virginity. We dated for months and I thought Valentine’s day would just be the perfect time. He was an über nerd, but luckily he was a nerd at a time where being nerdy started being hot. He was popular with the ladies, but he had his eyes out on fresh meat. He paid for a room downtown, in front of the light-rail. Second floor all the way in the end of the hallway. Now this wouldn’t have been any problem if I hadn’t been stopped by four different staff members asking if I was lost, being that I was a young girl wandering the halls of a hotel. It was still early in the afternoon and from what I had researched online, people suggested to have sex before dinner, and so things got hot and heavy as quickly and awkwardly as possible. At one point he had decided it was time I graduated from the missionary position on the bed and pick me up to push me up against the balcony glass door. The glass felt good on my hot body, so it took me a few seconds to realize that my naked ass is on the glass door, which is right across from the light-rail station. In a fit of panic and anger I told him that we were done. I wanted to take my shower and leave for dinner early. He did not take that as seriously as I intended; he came into the shower with me and convinced me to try again. Neither of us had experience in shower sex and within seconds, we had a slip. I grabbed onto the cheap hotel shower curtains and we both fell with the plastic covering us. Needless to say we were not in the mood anymore. I was worried that since a few rings that held the curtain broke that he would have a huge charge on his hotel bill, so we went out downtown to look for a replacement. Shower curtain rings are not something commonly found downtown, and by the time we found it, we had missed our dinner reservations, so we went to the Burgerville across the street from the hotel instead. We went back to the hotel to try again since neither of us had finished from earlier. Now I don’t know if you’ve ever read the DC Comic books about Captain Marvel, but he gets his superpowers by yelling, “Shazam!” And when he came, that’s what he exclaimed. That was the last thing I could ever expected! After a while I had to go home and do homework for school the next day. The next few years he used to send me an e-mail on Valentine’s day with just Shazam! It stopped maybe two years ago, but this memory will never go away. “
(Editor’s note: Our resident geek informs us that being nerdy has ALWAYS been hot, and that Captain Marvel’s name has been changed to Shazam due to copyright claims. Don’t worry, we want to smack him, too.)
Bit by the Love Bug
“Finally, finally we had a babysitter for the 2 little ones and were going to escape for the weekend! Nope! Grandma got sick, so we had to cancel our reservations and of course lost most of the deposit. Still hoping for a little romance, we planned on putting the kids to bed early and have a late night candle light dessert and romance time. No such luck! As soon as the chocolate was ready, kid 1 is up puking, followed soon by the 2nd. Needless to say, spending what was suppose to be a great romantic time cleaning puke was not the plan. To add insult to injury, once the kids were doing better– I got it next! “
Projectile vomiting is way down there on our list of turn-ons, too.
Don’t forget to share your Valentine’s nightmare memories with us for a chance to make those dreams come true!
We’ve been loving all the Valentine’s Day contest entries we’ve received! We’ve all had lousy luck on that dastardly day, so we’re very sympathetic to your tales of woe! We’ve chosen a few of the choicest cuts so far to post here!
We will continue to pick some of the best entries as we receive them and share them with you. There’s still plenty of time to enter for your chance to win a gift bag of hot gear worth over $400, so check out the contest rules and enter- Your tales make get you the opportunity to have the BEST Valentine’s Day EVER!
Never Forget Your Trunk
“So early February, we had watched this movie in which a stripper performed at a bachelorette party. He said those dreaded words, “I bet I could do that.” I looked at him, looked at the screen, looked at him, looked at the screen. “Dear…no. Dear….I love you. Just…no.” He looked over at me, “What? You don’t think I can do that?!” He was a state champion heavyweight wrestler, not exactly what you would picture when you think of a stripper. “No…dear, I don’t think you can do that.” He sighed and we finished the movie. We forgot about it.
For Valentine’s Day we had planned to go out to dinner, come back, cuddle and have a night in with each other. Ha. Was I wrong. I don’t know why, but we watched a similar movie. I had to use the bathroom. We paused the movie and I got up to go. When I came back, he’s not in the room, but there’s just an office chair in the middle of the room.. “Hey…where’d you go?” The only reply I got was a cryptic, “I have a surprise for you. Sit down.” Worried, I sat down. He opened the door, and comes out wearing an male thong, which can only be described as an elephant mask for a penis, and a bow-tie. Nothing else. I am stunned. My boyfriend of 2 and a half years. All 365 lbs of this wrestler who could NOT be a stripper….who had now decided that he was a stripper.
He starts to dance. He starts pelvic thrusting, trying to make the elephant trunk move in a circle….and succeeds in making it somewhat flop up and down. He is so concentrated on his carefully rehearsed dance moves that he has yet to notice the look on my face. He walked over to me, preparing to (I think) grind on me. I couldn’t help it. I didn’t think about it. I just put my hands up shielding myself. “Babe. This is an elephant trunk. What are you…Why?” One more look at the elephant trunk staring me in the face…and I burst out laughing.
He wasn’t amused. He still got laid. It takes some courage to strut an elephant trunk around on your dick.
Looking back on it now…there’s a reason he’s my ex. Not many people can make Valentine’s Day both terrifying and hilarious. He, somehow, managed.”
Because it reminds us of this: http://media.tumblr.com/6b7e1331c2fbc7801056bfc6d48ad89f/tumblr_inline_mhdcuie2Fh1rctfjr.gif
The Road Trip to Perdition:
“My freshman year of college, I had a crush on this guy. We were each other’s best friends at college so far, which really didn’t say much…The whole first semester I had the crush, but I didn’t say anything. My good friend who introduced the two of us then let me in on a conversation they had regarding me, in which he disclosed that he would never be interested in dating me because I was not attractive, I didn’t inspire him, I wasn’t intelligent enough and I made bad friend choices. About a month later he asked me out. We went out for a couple months and had a decent relationship, at least I thought so until a couple years later when I realized that it was both very physically and emotionally abusive. Anyways, we did a lot of random little things, such as going to swing in the park, taking hikes and pictures in the snow, and watching movies while making bets who could last the longest without kissing the other. So when he decided to take a random 2 hour road trip to the beach Valentine’s morning, it wasn’t a surprise at all. Merely sweet. At least…until he broke up with me about 90 minutes into the drive, leaving me spending the rest of Valentine’s Day single…stuck with my ex.
It wasn’t a good Valentine’s Day.”
Because we’ve all been there…
Everybody Loves a Teddy
“One of my worst Valentines Dates Ever had to be a few years ago, when my boyfriend at the time and I went out for dinner. It was one of those places where you could eat a meal and then play arcade games. It was a great night as I had driven about 8 hours to come to see him as he had recently moved to go to school in another city but in the same state. The whole night he was playing the games where you would win tickests and racking up a ton of them. Even though he had already given me a gifts, I figured that he was trying to win me something that I had my eye on since we had walked in.
The end of the night, he takes his tickets and turns them in for an over sized stuffed bear. Not really my style, until he says to me that he won’t it for his roommate who was alone that night. I spent the whole walk from the ticket area to my car, listening to women who walked by going on about how lucky I had to be to have someone win me that. And just smile gritting my teeth totally embarrassed, and not wanting to say that it was for his room mate and not me. I wanted to die, I totally get that he was being kind to his roommate, but couldn’t he have waited till a time that wasn’t our valentines day date?”
Because watching someone else get what was supposed to be yours is THE WORST.
In the season of love, we are often reminded of past romances and conquests. Sometimes, attempts at finding “that special someone” don’t go exactly the way you planned and sometimes despite your best efforts, that perfect night of wining, dining, and grinding just doesn’t pan out like expected.
We here at Stockroom feel your pain and would love to help you make this holiday one for the history books, in a good way this time. With that said, let Stockroom give you the BEST Valentine’s Day EVER with our “Worst Valentine’s Date Ever” Contest!
- Email us at email@example.com with your most hilarious and embarrassing tales from Valentine’s Days past. (Make sure to include your mailing address in your entry so we can get your prize to you by the big night!)
- We will review the entries and pick our favorites that make us smile and cringe
- We will post some of favorite entries on our blog at random throughout the week until the contest is over. Winners will be announced on Tuesday, February 12.
- Eligible entries must contain: Name, mailing address, and preferred method of contact.
- Eligible entries may be shared publicly and will not include any personal or identifying information.
- Contest open to U.S. residents only.
- Winners shall be chosen solely at the discretion of Stockroom, Inc.
- No employee of, or affiliated party to Stockroom, Inc. shall be eligible to win any prize in the “Worst Valentine’s Date Ever”.
- All entries must be received by 11:59PM PST Feburary 10, 2013
- Winners will be notified by 6PM PST February 12, 2013 by their preferred method of contact. Prizes requiring physical delivery will automatically be shipped no later than February 13, 2013, to arrive by February 14, 2013.
- Contest void where prohibited by law.
Thanks again to everyone who participated in our “What Would I Do if I Won a $250 Stockroom Gift Certificate Contest!” We truly enjoyed reading all of your entries and had an incredibly hard time choosing our winners. Below are the three winning entries for your reading pleasure. Enjoy, and don’t worry, we plan on holding more contests in the near future!
$250 Grand Prize Gift Certificate Winner –
Well firstly let me say that at 38 yrs of age I have just come off a journey with the church where I was to become a consecrated virgin. A lot has happened in the last 12 months. I have been on a sexuality retreat for women, I got kissed by a man for the first time and loved it, we got to have a bit of a play touching each other, so YES I am still a virgin. Although tomorrow morning as it happens I am meeting with a Dom off Fetlife ( I friended him and he added me to his private BDSM Facebook group as I am now on a journey of discovering everything I can about sexuality, all aspects of it! From there someone directed me to Fetlife as there is a group for any newbies! ). So in the morning I am having an interview for a rope bunny role. I am not expecting to get it, however I will be required to sit there in front of another human being and share what my sexual desires are and what I wish to get out of the role, as well as that I have asked of a separate subject if he would be willing to mentor me and allow my first sexual experiences to be with him, hopefully I will be able to build this into a proper D/s relationship.
Even though I am a virgin my deepest darkest desires are surfacing from before I was even ten, now they have developed into wanting to experience submission, spanking, restraint, oral sex, anal sex, caning, electro play, I want to experience all this and so much more with him, and if down the track the trust is really there and we have developed that intimate two way relationship then he can have my main virginity as well, but he will have to earn it. So until then I am pretty sure that he may be able to pick out a couple of items to use on me. I know he wants to experiment with electro play, so maybe an e-stim, a couple of butt plugs or anal beads. Nipple clamps appeal with weights, as does a nice flogger. I would like some nice relaxing massage oil so I can apply it to his beautiful muscular body after he has finished playing with me and lays there completely blissed out after using and dominating my body any way he pleases.
$50 Gift Certificate Winner –
I’m a man of contrasting tastes, so if – dare I say, when! – I were to win this contest, I would want to start with the Triskeli Collar, as it’s about time I let my flag fly a little more noticeably (since I work in a public library, it can double as a reference point!). From there, I’d get the Ball Gag and Blindfold Harness – not being able to see what’s coming is a huge turn-on for me, and being effectively silenced is something I’ve always wanted to try. While using that, I want to try one of The Rude Boys – a close friend of mine told me how great they were, and while I trust her opinion, I gotta experience it for myself! And speaking of self-experience and contrast, that brings me to the last item…Mike’s Spikes. I can’t think of anything better to wrap it all up! I’ve had my eye on that particular portable prick-pinching product for some time now; it makes the masochist in me swoon.
Now, I know that I’m $9 over the certificate amount of $250, but…that’s a small price to pay for the immense pleasure that would come from not only winning, but the items above! Even if I don’t win (don’t get me wrong, I want to win harder than nipples being pinched by Extreme Talon Nipple Clamps) it was worth the time to come up with this email. Thanks for the opportunity and I hope you pick me!
Stockroom T-Shirt Winner –
First of all, I just want to say how much I love your site and your store. I’m sure this is nothing new to hear, but I have spent hours gazing at all of the wonderfully tantalizing possibilities that rack my brain.
Which brings me to the first reason of why I believe you should pick me. I have only been able to gaze longingly at your products, and not purchase. I’m a struggling young professional and have no budget to indulge in my ultimate fantasies in such a luxurious manner. Sure, I’ve been able to use make-shift items into bondage and sensual pleasure, but I want to take it to a new level and finally incorporate real leather and safer restraints into my repertoire. While I have dabbled in some BDSM/kink play, I am still a beginner and the certificate would allow one more person to more fully step into this glorious community that the Stockroom is so important to. This would be an important stepping stone to exploring my sexuality and seeing what limits my body (and my partner) can endure. Wouldn’t you feel so proud to be a part of what would help mold my exploratory sexuality?!
My second reason is that I am striving to become a sex therapist and having a certificate to Stockroom would allow me to become more acquainted with types of toys, play, and lifestyles and in turn, be a more informed therapist and sexuality educator. While I can learn from workshops, lectures, talking to others or reading about something in a book, there is nothing like getting a first hand experience of what my clients might experience in their personal life. Incorporating this into my personal life will allow me to be a more reliable and knowledgeable professional. But I can’t do it on my ramen dinner budget.
I want this certificate for the good of my sexual identity and for the good of my community
And finally, I can’t express how badly I’ve been wanting a swing and some serious leather restraints.
Good luck with your selection!
Make sure to ‘like’ us on Facebook to keep up to dates on upcoming contests, as well as sales, new items and upcoming events!
Exciting things happening on our Stockroom Facebook!
Head over to get details on our new contest for a chance to win a $250 gift certificate and make sure to like our page and share with your friends if you haven’t already!
If there’s one thing we love about Easter it’s the thought of a giant bunny sneaking into our homes in the wee hours of the morning and leaving you delicious sweets and treats crammed in secret places! We honor this tradition of fun and furry home invasion with our own annual Stockroom Easter Egg Hunt.
Enter for a chance to win one of our original Bunny Hoods, available in your choice of white or black, and our bonus contest for a chance to win a $250 Gift Certificate!
There’s several ways to enter, some with little or no effort, so what are you waiting for? Get some free stuff!
Even if you don’t win the grand prize, everyone who enters will get something for participating!
Check out our contest page for full details and rules and GOOD LUCK!
It’s time again for another one of our caption contests!
Take a look at the photo posted here. Come up with a caption. As silly or dirty or fucked up as you’d like. Post your comment here. All submissions will be viewable in the comments section and we will publicly announce only the name of the winner. The rest of your details will stay private
Take the weekend to do your best and on Tuesday afternoon, we will pick our favorite and post it. You can enter as many captions as you’d like.
If you are chosen as the winner, your prize will be your choice of size/color of one of our signature Stockroom T-Shirts
(scope out your prize here or here)
You have until Tuesday, Sept 20th at 10am.
Winner will be announced later that day.
Submit your entries in the comments on this post and make sure to include your name and email.
We couldn’t just couldn’t decide, so we picked TWO winners this time around! It was a tough pick! Congrats to the winners with the following captions, and thanks again to all the entrants.
“…What kind of karaoke bar *is* this?!”
“My Mom’s ‘birds and bees’ lesson started off a little rough.”
It’s finally Friday! Time to dive headfirst into a hopefully deviously productive weekend. We here at Stockroom thought it might be fun to celebrate the weekend with a quick little contest.
It’s simple enough- Be funny. Be clever. If you’re the best at making us smile, we’ll reward you.
Here’s the nitty gritty:
Take a look at the photo posted here. Come up with a caption. As silly or dirty or fucked up as you’d like. Post your comment here. All submissions will be moderated and we will publicly announce only the name of the winner. The rest of your details will stay private
You have the weekend to do your best and on Monday afternoon, we will pick our favorite and post it.
If you are chosen as the winner, your prize will be your choice of size/color of one of our signature Stockroom T-Shirts (scope out your prize here or here)
You have until Monday, Aug 15th at 10am.
Winner will be announced via blog/Facebook.
Submit your entries in the comments on this post and make sure to include your name, email and your Facebook if you have one.
Congrats on our winning caption, “Hope the TSA agent is cute!”. You’ve won a Stockroom Tshirt! Thanks again to all the entrants and keep an eye out for more contests in the near future!