Explicit Consent: Kinky Erotica Through the (P)ages
“Consent is sexy.” These three words have become a popular catch-phrase over the past few years. Though there is (valid) critique of the trope of “sexy consent”, the concept of consent as compatible with—and even a prerequisite of—eroticism has become nearly ubiquitous in the sex-positive sphere. But what about consent and negotiation in the context of kinky erotica? Can lovers negotiating their BDSM scenes be erotic, not merely implied or ignored altogether?
The historical answer, at least in most kinky literature published prior to 2010, is a resounding “no.” Sexy consent isn’t reflected in most “classic” BDSM erotica, and remains a minority even in the 21st century.
Story of O (1954), Pauline Réage’s genre-defining classic, depicts kink as something that the submissive must suffer through. It reinforces the rather troubling idea that kink is sexy because the submissive derives no pleasure from it. O undergoes physical and psychological tortures, but there is no portrayal of negotiations. Furthermore, there isn’t the slightest indication that O enjoys herself, even in a masochistic fashion. O isn’t a masochist at all—she’s a long-suffering vanilla who simply wants to please her partner.
The depiction of consent (or lack thereof) in Fifty Shades of Grey (2011) has already been deemed problematic by many a writer, so I won’t get into the gritty details here. Suffice to say that protagonist Anastasia is precisely the opposite of a model of enthusiastic consent. From page one it’s clear that she, like O, only agrees to Christian’s kinky antics because she wants to be close to him. This portrayal of submissives—especially female submissives—as merely putting up with kink is harmful on many levels, and tacitly implies that it’s okay to push kink onto someone who is only half-heartedly consenting. Suffering is eroticized, but not in a particularly fun way, and definitely not in a manner that most of us would try to emulate; neither Story of O nor Fifty Shades of Grey have endings that would work out for most kinky folk.
But where, I can practically hear all the literate kinksters lamenting, is the erotica that depicts kink as something mutually beneficial, or even romantic and loving?
Alison Tyler’s semi-autobiographical Dark Secret Love (2013), and the entire Story of Submission series, is the sexy, realistic portrayal of kink that we’ve all been waiting for. Tyler openly displays Samantha’s thought processes—even those of jealousy, discomfort, and uncertainty. When she realizes that maybe she can’t bear the sight of her dominant Jack playing with another submissive woman, there is no pretense. Samantha says, in simple words, that she is experiencing jealousy, and she and Jack renegotiate their relationship.
She also vocalizes and enforces her hard limits. At one point she refuses to carry through with a piercing that Jack orders, and there is no implication that she isn’t a “true submissive” because of this limit. Jack doesn’t try to wear her down or push past her boundaries. No, they simply move on, and the rest of their evening is delightfully depraved, with not so much as a hint of resentment from either party.
This isn’t to say that erotica openly modeling consent can’t push boundaries. Au contraire. Jack walks right up to the lines of Samantha’s boundaries, and pushes past the ones that aren’t hard limits. Samantha is uncomfortable in many of the scenes, but that discomfort is something she chooses, and revels in.
That’s the key here: Sam’s desires are central to this series. From the very first page, we, the readers, are only here because she needs to tell her story, every bit as much as she needed pain, restraint, and discipline. Samantha is a slave to her desires, yes, but merely a submissive to her dom. That is to say, she is forced to submit to her deliciously wicked fantasies, but chooses willingly and wholeheartedly to submit to Jack.
Especially in the wake of California’s new Enthusiastic Consent “Yes Means Yes” law, we need more examples of explicit consent, in every sense of the phrase. Not all kinky erotica needs to show consent, but for the sake of newbie readers everywhere, some of it certainly should. Readers need to see what consent looks like on a romantic evening, or between two strangers casually hooking up, and yes—between a kinky couple whose fantasies rest upon the (pretend) premise that the submissive’s consent is violated. We need to see that we all have a real chance at “kinkily ever after,” where whips and chains mix with roses and early morning cuddles. Consent and negotiation can be just as sexy as they are essential to a relationship. Let’s start reading the stories that reflect that, and perhaps the positive attention will shift the trends so that the next kinky bestseller is a little more reflective of a consent culture of BDSM.
From The Author
Eva Gantz is a community-focused writer at the intersection of social media, feminism, sexuality, and tech. She’s the community manager at Stellar.org, a non-profit centered around digital financial inclusion. Previously, she managed social media and marketing strategy for a queer, feminist press. She founded Giving Books a Voice, a business, site, and podcast for authors who want to get smart about social media. She’s passionate about open source everything and hazelnut lattes.
I glanced down at my chest, resisting my natural urge to look away. The first needle pierced through the skin at the top of my breast, woven quickly in and out. No blood. I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I’d heard people talk about this sensation of “flying” when they do needle play. I wasn’t expecting much.
Two needles criss-crossed over each other, perpendicularly woven through my flesh. Okay, so I wasn’t flying, but this was only two needles.
Rewind to my early days in the scene (maybe two years before this experience) when I would have NEVER wanted to experiment with play piercing of any kind. And that is why the phrase Not at this time is so apt.
Not at this time is something we say in the scene to bring across the concept of “never say never.” One never knows how kink or BDSM will ultimately manifest in the future. Of course it is totally valid to have hard limits – activities you do not want to do or words you don’t want used when you play. It’s wise to share limits, both hard and soft, with your play partners and to keep them updated if these limits shift and change. At the same time, do you ever know, or can you ever really predict what you will find intriguing or hot in six months from now? How about a year? Five?
Being unsure about the unknown, not really knowing much about how an activity is carried out can certainly contribute to fears around some edgier kinks. Knowing more about the how could alleviate some of the fear or discomfort around an activity. Reading up on a topic and talking to people who enjoy it are great ways to learn about the why.
One my favorite books on BDSM is The Ultimate Guide to Kink because each chapter is by a different author talking about specific kinky activities. From bondage to fisting to mind fucking and so much more there are a slew of topics. Will you be turned on by everything? Of course not. I came away from that anthology knowing I didn’t want to try everything within its covers. But to read experiences where people are so passionate about the activity, I was captivated and at the very least I could then appreciate the turn ons.
The needle scene I described at the top of this post is something I tried on two separate occasions. There is a really fun local event in Los Angeles every November called Bizarre Bazaar at Threshold. At this event there are many “taster” booths where folks can sample a variety of kinky activities. Needle play, as I did, wax play, flogging, spanking, a coloring table for Littles, etc. along with exciting vendors, and a low-key atmosphere perfect both for those who just want to see what all the kinky fuss is about and those who have been in the scene for ages to socialize.
Certainly there will be scenarios a person just doesn’t find something kinky appealing ever. That’s also perfectly acceptable. Just remember: Don’t yuck someone’s yum. There is room for everyone to sit at the kinky table. As long as all participants consent to play, are having a blast, and are risk-aware, get on with your kinky selves!
Sexologist Vixenne, Victoria Reuveni, is a Los Angeles-based sexologist who has her doctorate in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco. She is a bodyworker who does coaching and hands-on sex education with individuals, couples, and groups. Victoria is also a volunteer educator with the Center for Positive Sexuality, speaking to university students and professionals about nonmonogamy, kink & BDSM, and sex work. She is a blogger who does sex toy reviews and writes about various topics in sex, kink, gender, and body image which can be found on her site SexologistVixenne.com.
Curious about vaginal fisting? You should be! It’s a magical, sacred and extremely sexy experience for both parties involved. I am by no means an expert, just a sex nerd who likes to dabble in various perverted acts. I will share tips to keep in mind for vaginal fisting, as well as explain from my perspective as a submissive how fisting can bring a kinky scene to the next level.
So, first things first. If you anticipate fisting in your near future here are some things to keep in mind:
• Hygiene: Fisters, don’t even think about it if you’ve got long nails! Can you say ouch?! Even if your partner eroticizes pain, vaginal tissues are sensitive and you don’t want to risk small tears and the chance of infection. Keep nails short and clean. If you can’t part with long nails or just flat out forgot to trim them you can wear gloves with cotton balls inside the tips. This will reduce the chance of the gloves ripping as well as your partner experiencing any uncomfortable scratches.
• Safer sex: Wearing latex or nitrile gloves can prevent the exchange of fluids and can prevent the transmission of STI’s and other infections. Gloves are also helpful for individuals with long or painted nails. Even if you aren’t into medical fetishes, gloves can be sexy! With some Pavlovian conditioning, the sight of a glove may make cause some intense sexual arousal.
• Consent and Communication: Vaginal fisting may not be on everyone’s checklist of activities they want to engage in, so it’s important to get clear consent before attempting to do so. It is also important to ask questions; “Are you interested in giving? Receiving? Do you have any medical conditions that may potentially be a problem? Do you have a safe word?” There are some risks involved in vaginal fisting, so it is important to be well informed. If you do have any concerns, consult a physician (don’t fear there are several directories of kink aware physicians who won’t judge). Lastly, communicate throughout the whole process. If you aren’t in the mood on a particular night, speak up! During the act, fistee’s communicate about wants, needs, and how it is feeling. Fisters, you can help out too by prompting communication with questions like, “Is this okay? Would you like another finger now? Faster?”
• Slow and Slippery: Fisting shouldn’t be a race. The anticipation and build up to the end result of a whole fist inside someone’s cunt is part of the fun. Take your time and don’t be discouraged if the first time, or second, or fifth time isn’t successful. On top of taking your time, be liberal with the lube, and yes, lube is necessary! I’d recommend a silicone lubricant, oil based lube (beware with latex barriers though), or a thick water-based gel. Keep reapplying, even if you don’t think you need more because the less friction the better.
Some people may want a mellow, slow and sensual environment for their fisting experiences, while others may want something a little more intense or kinky. Allowing someone to put their entire fist inside of you requires trust, vulnerability, and communication. The fistee may feel they are ultimately submitting to the fister, or they may feel that they are constantly in control of how much of their partner they take into their cunt. As the receiver I feel that being fisted by someone is one of my greatest acts of submission. I am offering my pussy to be used. I am giving a priceless gift to my partner. As the giver I feel a great responsibility to communicate with my partner and reassure them that they are in a good place and taking the experience well. Vaginal fisting alone is one of the greatest connections I’ve felt with another partner, but combining kink with fisting is an experience that I can count on to bring me to subspace.
Some ways you can make your fisting experience a little kinkier:
• Use a vibrator: I have to say the most intense orgasm I’ve had to this day was with a hand in my cunt and a Hitachi on my clit. Or try a vibrator with lower speeds and increase the power gradually if the Hitachi Magic Wand is too strong for you.
• Bondage: Being bound by rope or restraints or held open by someone strong can really intensify those feelings of vulnerability and submissiveness. There may be some points in the fisting process that the fistee may want to wiggle away and stop, but the bondage will keep them in place and help them get through those difficult seconds.
• Blindfolds or hoods: This can help you focus less on your physical environment and more on what’s happening inside you, quite literally as well as emotionally.
• Sensation Play: Candle wax, nipple clamps, nipple/clit pumps, breath play, etc. The possibilities are endless! I would advise against using gags during fisting, even if both players are very experienced. Each experience is different and both the giver and receiver should be able to clearly communicate their needs and whether something is not working for them.
Barbary is a sex educator, fetish model, cat lover and self-proclaimed kinskter active in the San Francisco BDSM community. She has her Bachelors degree in Health Education from San Francisco state university and promotes living a sex positive lifestyle as part of being a whole and healthy human being . You can find her being spanked and suspended at events around the Bay Area.
“So, what if he took the train home tonight,” I asked, “and saw some woman he wanted to fuck?” I’m standing in my 8-inch heels in the mirror-lined dressing room, brushing the last lap dance out of my hair and applying lip gloss. “And then he goes back to her house,” I continue, “and has sex with her. How would you feel?”
Rosalie smiled. “I’d be happy for him, and proud of him.”
“You wouldn’t be jealous?” I asked.
“Not at all!” she replied. “I fuck other men. It doesn’t have to mean anything. And I trust him.” She was so matter of fact, so self satisfied and confident, that I couldn’t find words to ask her any more about it. I couldn’t imagine feeling that way about my partner if he were to sleep with someone else. I could only imagine crying, slamming doors, packing boxes and wanting to peel his cheating skin right off of his unfaithful body.
“It’s actually really hot when he fucks someone else,” Rosalie added, as she made her way to the tiny door that separated the dressing room from the stage. I was astonished. I was aroused. I was confused. I was 22.
Now, at 35, with over three years of an amazing open relationship under my belt, I fully understand what Rosalie meant all those years ago. And the more I learn about open relationships, and myself within one, the more I understand that I wasn’t ready, at 22, to take on the work and trust that such an arrangement requires. At that age, I was convinced that if my boyfriend spent too much time around an attractive woman it would make him want to throw his dick into her regardless of the consequences. I also thought that if my partner did throw his dick into another woman it meant that he wished I looked different, and didn’t love me anymore. Ahh, youth. Where do we learn these things we think we know in our early 20s?
I can’t blame it all on age, though. Rosalie was actually a year younger than me. She was also a stunner- long dark hair, huge dark eyes, full lips, beautiful breasts, the works. She had graced the cover of our monthly national strip club magazine earlier that year. Her looks also caused confusion in my young mind. She was so incredible looking, why did her boyfriend need to sleep with anyone else? Obviously I had not yet begun my delightful discovery journey into the biology of human sexuality. I’m tempted to say that I wish that I had had the knowledge and confidence to start experimenting with open relationships in my 20s, but I’m not sure it if would have been successful. Learning from Rosalie that such relationships could exist planted a seed that grew into a decade-long fascination with the topic. It took a long time until I felt ready to explore opening up, and it also took that long to find the right partner to try it with.
At 22, I had already had a lot of fun and crazy sexual escapades, but there were still so many more that I had not yet experienced. Perhaps many of the things I had already done at 22 would take another person many more years to try. Perhaps some of the things I had already done would never be comfortable for another person, regardless of their age or other experiences- posing for explicit, toy-penetration nudes, phone sex, being a stripper, same-sex dalliances, fucking in a boat, in a bar bathroom, in a dump truck.
It’s wonderful that we live in a world with so much to offer sexually, in a time when activities outside the strict vanilla box are more accepted by everyone. It’s exciting that one’s sexuality and sex life can be (nay, should be!) a divine, changing, complex and utterly thrilling journey. We must keep in mind, though, that no one else walks our same path. What you’ve done for 20 years might be new and scary to someone else, and the other way around. Let’s learn from each other, and teach each other, and trust that new sexual worlds are waiting around every corner. Where would you like to explore next?
Her voice drops to a low purr as she leans into her beloved submissive. Her eyes narrow and lips curl into a mischievous grin. She whispers her desires and makes demands to satisfy her whims. Perhaps she feeds off moans of sensual suffering. Perhaps she seeks sexual satisfaction. Maybe she’d like pampering and amusement. This is her time. Because it’s her time, where she speaks and gets what delights her, it’s also their time. It’s a bubble of time and space where no one and nothing else matters. It is a gift to their relationship of clarity, simplicity, authenticity, confidence of belonging and pleasure.
There are four essential tools that the dominant woman needs to make this magic time happen. I also want to share with you three simple and clever tools that make the dominant woman’s play time so much easier and sweeter – more on this later!
The fundamental tools are; your voice, your gaze, your touch and your walk.
Your voice sets the tone. Gives cue to the bottom on what you share now and where you may take them. Don’t rush it. Drop your voice and slow down the speech a little. If you don’t know what to say, say nothing. Silence makes bottoms squirm. Saying wicked things, hot breath in the ear, with sweet tones creates delightful dilemmas. Your voice is unique – soon your bottom will come to associate that particular tone of your voice with their happy, fun, bottom space.
Your touch wakes up their senses to the moment and to your intention. Gentle caress makes their skin tingle. Rough grabs put them on alert. Stinging slaps and pinches may be rewards or punishments, depending on how their appetites run.
Your gaze reminds them that they must be present and in the here and now. The smiling eyes encouraging a bottom maybe extra strength they need to sweetly suffer through an ordeal. The gaze averted maybe a cruel denial.
Practice the infamously effective “Queen’s Walk” We practice this form of movement in ForteFemme. Pull your spine up, roll your shoulders back, proudly bring your chest up and tighten your core. Put your weight on your back foot. Then walk slowly. Lock your gaze on your partner. With each step you take, take a breath. Yes, it’s that slow. It sets the tone. It sets the understanding of who owns that time and space in the moment. It’s a great tool of creating confidence in the woman and setting the stage for the partner and the scene.
These are tools that you’ll want to practice and hone over time. At first you might feel awkward, but it will come to you in time. They are subtle but powerful tools.
So now for the fun and crafty tools to make your playtime easier and sweeter!
Blindfold is a top’s best friend! With a blindfold on, ever you do is always a surprise. With a blindfold on, they won’t know your expression of befuddlement as you try to figure out some new complicated toy – or when you kick off your heels!
Why be uncomfortable? Being uncomfortable is the prize for the bottoms. Not something you should endure. Once you’ve Queen’s Walked your way to your ecstatic bottom, enjoy creating and conducting the scene from a place of gorgeous comfort! If you really like the regal seating for play, you might consider selecting toys that are easy to use while seated.
Collection of Kinky Erotic Fiction:
Yes, fiction. Collect and read many, many kinky fiction books. There are so many quality ones out there beyond the ones that mass media repeats. Don’t forget Laura Antoniou’s books. Various anthologies with works from many writers are great. Ernest Greene has a new one out too.
These are both you and your partner to read. For you, it will illuminate what kind of play and mindset turns you on. For your partner, find out what story and which part they liked. Try to get them to tell you what they liked about it. This will give you a deeper idea of how their pleasures are mapped out – and can be far more illuminating than a standard negotiation.
Are you ready to discover a new way to have amazing sex? More men and their partners are experimenting with prostate massage or pegging, and they’re finding out how much pleasure it can bring.
If you’re like most folks, when you hear the word “prostate,” you probably think of prostate health concerns like cancer. But what you might not know is that the prostate is also one of the most sensitive erogenous zones that men have. In fact, it’s remarkably similar to the G-spot. Think about everything you’ve heard about the G-spot, and then consider what it would be like to for men to be able to enjoy the same pleasures. Some of the ways that men describe orgasms from prostate play are that they feel bigger, more full-body, more expansive, and more diffuse than the focused sensations of a penis orgasm. Sounds pretty amazing, doesn’t it?
Of course, prostate sensations can also feel fantastic even before orgasm. Imagine that feeling that happens when you’re about to ejaculate. You know the one- it’s the “point of no return.” In that moment, the prostate is contracting in order to produce a portion of the fluid in semen. Now, instead of having that feeling for just a few seconds, imagine that it’s going on for half an hour, or even longer. Prostate massage can feel like you’re on the verge of an orgasm for as long as you want, which is a wonderful experience.
The easiest way to find the prostate is to insert a lubricated finger into the anus and then curl it towards the navel. The prostate is about 3-4” in from the opening of the anus, but don’t worry if your finger is shorter than that. If you insert it all the way and then press in further, the flexibility of the pelvic floor will let you reach a bit more.
You’re looking for a round object that feels like a ripe plum. Don’t go poking for it- that can bruise the prostate just like it would bruise a plum. Instead, gently press along the midline of his body until you find it. The prostate fills with fluid during arousal, which makes it get bigger like a water balloon, so you might have an easier time finding it if you get him turned on first. There’s also a groove running down the prostate from top to bottom, and it’s possible to have your finger in that groove and not be able to feel anything. Try moving a little to the left or right and you’ll feel it more easily.
You can massage the prostate with a finger or two, just like the G-spot. Try making a “come here” motion, tapping, circling, or sliding in and out while pressing it. Just be sure to have short fingernails and remember: stroke, don’t poke. You can also massage his penis at the same time. It works best if you can keep your motions in sync, so if that’s difficult, either slow down until you can match them up or have him stroke himself and focus on his prostate.
For the guy on the receiving end, there are a few possible sensations to look for. Some guys feel amazing pleasure right away. If that happens for you, awesome! Some guys first notice that it feels like they need to urinate. That means that you’re on the spot, so dial the pressure down a bit. And some men say that they didn’t feel much of anything the first few times they tried it. It can take a little practice to tune into the sensations. One good way to do that is to combine prostate massage with a familiar pleasure like oral sex or a handjob. That gets your body used to the new experience and makes it more likely that the next time will be different.
Tools & Techniques
Wear a glove to keep things clean, and use plenty of lubricant. Silicone lubricants last longer than water-based lubes, though water-based products rinse off more easily in the shower. Use a thinner lube like Wet Platinum for a slick ride or try a thicker lube like System Jo Premium Anal Lubricant to give you a little extra cushioning. Go nice and slow, and be sure to get your partner turned on before going in. Arousal makes penetration much easier. Remember – you need to seduce the ass.
Most men find that a dildo with a curved shaft or a bulbous head works really well for prostate massage. Aim the curve towards your navel in order to reach the spot. You can experiment with different angles, amounts of pressure, sliding in and out, or jostling the dildo so it vibrates on your prostate. And of course, women can wear a harness to make penetration easy.
There are lots of vibrators that make the prostate feel fantastic. Look for a toy that focuses the vibration at the tip, and make sure it has a wide base to keep it from slipping all the way in and getting lost.
If you want an amazing, hands-free prostate massage, try one of the Aneros massagers. The upward curved end of the base goes towards the front of the body, with the tip resting on the bulb of the penis (behind the testicles). When you have it in place, with the shaft pressing into the prostate, contract your pelvic floor. The most effective way to do that is to squeeze the muscles that make your erection bounce. Every time you do, the anus will pull up and the shaft of the Aneros will lever forward into your prostate for an amazing time.
You can use the Aneros during solo sex, while receiving a blowjob, or even during intercourse, as long as it’s free to move. The MGX is a great one to start with because the hard plastic makes it easy to work with. If you do your Kegel exercises and have good control over your muscles, the Eupho is incredible, but it’s less effective if you aren’t as practiced with your Kegels.
Some buttplugs work for prostate massage, especially if they can be angled towards the navel. They don’t move as much on their own, but if you like firm, constant pressure, they’re a good bet.
Health & Safety
Here are two important toy tips. One: make sure that your anal toys are smooth. There are lots of G-spot toys with bumps and ridges that feel great in the vagina, but they’ll be too rough for anal use. Two: get something that’s non-porous and easy to clean, like silicone, or cover your toy with a condom all the way over the base. Hygiene is extra important for anal play, for obvious reasons.
Some men enjoy having an orgasm during prostate play, while others like it as a warm-up before switching to something else as they get close. There’s no right or wrong here, so try different things to see what feels best to you. It’s pretty common for men to ejaculate more during a prostate massage, since you’re squeezing more of the fluid out of the gland.
With all of the amazing pleasure potential in the prostate, it’s good to know that it may also have some important health benefits. Massage increases blood flow, releases muscle tension, helps break up blockages and trapped fluid in the gland, and can even improve some of the symptoms associated with an enlarged prostate (benign prostatic hyperplasia). However, if you think you may have a prostate health concern, please get checked out by a doctor.
Charlie Glickman PhD is a sex coach, a certified sexuality educator, and an internationally-acclaimed speaker. He’s certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, and has been working in this field for over 20 years. His areas of focus include sex & shame, sex-positivity, queer issues, masculinity & gender, communities of erotic affiliation, and many sexual & relationship practices.
November is increasingly identified with Movember, the men’s health fundraiser where men grow mustaches through the entire month. In fact, Movember is the biggest men’s health charity.
True story: Having a wank is great for your health. A 2003 Australian study found that men who jerk off more than five times in a week reduced their risk of prostate cancer by one third. What’s more, contrary to what many men believe, masturbation decreases your risk of erectile dysfunction, as well as making it easier for you to stay hard longer. There are other benefits, like a boosted immune system and elevated mood.
But are you still pulling pud the old fashioned way? You shouldn’t be. Male masturbation devices are cheaper — and more effective — than ever. Here’s a roundup of some of the latest and greatest in the world of men’s jackoff toys.
The VibeRite Personal Massager is a lot like the famous Hitachi Magic Wand, except it’s lighter and does not need to be plugged in for you to use it. It has seven speeds and a soft silicone head with a bendable neck.
The great thing about this is that it’s a toy that a man and a woman can use. It doesn’t require an attachment for a penis, but the Hammerhead isn’t a bad investment if you have VibeRite. This is a multi-textured attachment made out of super stretchy TPR which mean it will fit men of just about any size.
The Tenga Flip Hole Masturbator has everything that you’re going to need from a male masturbator: It’s multi-textured, has buttons on the outside that allow you to apply vacuum pressure to different areas of the penis. You get three different kinds of lube with it and it opens to let you easily apply lube, as well as clean the Tenga.
I found that this one is good for those special occasions when you have enough time to yourself to turn the lights down low, light some candles and really spend some time getting down to business. I didn’t like it as much for a quick wank, but it did beat just about everything else in the “long and slow” department.
What’s better than a wank? A wank with a cock ring. The Oxballs Cocksling is their best selling product and, hands down, one of the best cock rings I have ever used… and I am definitely a man who knows his cock rings. The Oxballs Cocksling has a cock ring and a ball stretcher all in one. It’s incredibly soft and stretchy, made of TPR, and warms to your body the longer that you wear it. It’s also made right here in the USA. Wear it when you’re jerking or wear it when you’re fucking. It’s great either way!
This is definitely on the short “if you only have one cock ring, you need this one” list. It does everything that you need a cock ring to do.
This is another one that can be just as fun to use with other people as you do yourself. It’s not just a masturbation device, it’s also a cock enlarger and extender. Made from super soft Silaskin, a blend of TPR and silicone, it’s 7” in total length, stretches easily and will fit on just about any man.
I didn’t care for this one. It felt weird to handle in my hand as a masturbation device, and my wife wasn’t going to let it anywhere near her vagina.
Look, I know what you’re thinking. Summer is upon us and it’s already hot as hell outside, why on earth would anyone want to put on a latex catsuit right now??
It’s true, latex is not the easiest material to wear. You have to slather yourself in slippery silicone lube then push yourself into a giant condom that seems to be about two inches too small. It’s a process I often describe as ‘squeezing your way into a Trojan, when you really need a Magnum’. Once you’ve maneuvered your way into your second skin, things can heat up quickly since the latex doesn’t breathe. I still remember the first time I wore a latex catsuit. It was spring and already considerably warm in Texas, and while the AC in my dungeon did it’s best it was no match for the combination of video lights, a latex catsuit, and an enthusiastic slave beating. About 20 minutes into the shoot I felt the sweat begin to puddle in my boots, and before long a steady stream poured out at the wrists whenever I lowered my arms. While it was great fun to make my slave drink my salty, sweaty offerings, I nonetheless learned a very important lesson that day – latex makes you sweat. Stripping off sweaty latex is one of my absolute least favorite things in life.
That Halloween, my latex catsuit taught me another lesson – if it’s cold outside, you will be cold in latex. And your goose bumps will totally show through your latex, and you can feel the bumps as well. But even when it is 30 degrees outside, your latex will warm up very quickly once you are out of the cold and back in the warmth. However this party was anything but warm. It was a notoriously filthy and debaucherous warehouse party with no heat, and by the time I got home the thought of peeling off my dirty Disturbathon latex (which was now stuck to my body for lack of lube) and allowing the last of my body heat to escape was unbearable. So I turned on the shower and climbed in, catsuit and all. It was absolutely glorious. The warm water splashed across my latex covered body and ran down my legs, warming me and massaging me as it beaded and bounced off of my protective covering, dancing like rain on a windshield. I spent at least 15 minutes playing in the shower, rinsing and rubbing every inch of my slick shiny catsuit before finally unzipping it just enough to let the water slip inside. It began to flow down my body, lubricating and gently separating my skin from the latex that had become a part of me. The feeling was pure ecstasy.
And thus began my love of latex and water.
People often describe latex as a ‘second skin’ because when you wear it, it doesn’t just fit itself to your form, it becomes one with your body. You still feel temperatures and sensations, but you’re feeling them through a thin layer of rubber, much like a condom. Latex is an exceptional conductor of heat and cold, and this opens up a range of possibilities for temperature and sensation play. Cold water splashed over latex can be absolutely exhilarating, especially if you are literally stewing in your own juices. You feel every single drop that touches your latex, whether it is a tiny splash or a flowing stream. Is it any wonder latex catsuits and even rubber hoods are so popular at fetish pool parties? Skimming through the water, feeling the cool liquid run over the latex that encases you, it’s a feeling unlike anything else. The waterslide at the annual Kink In The Caribbean gatherings is always spitting out one latex lover after another; they go slipping and sliding at the speed of lube until at last they are tossed in to the pool with the rest of the rubber clad rousers. A simple Slip & Slide in your back yard works just as well if a trip to Jamaica isn’t in your immediate future.
So this summer, don’t be afraid to slip in to your favorite rubber catsuit, work up a dripping sweat, then treat yourself to a dip in the pool, a fetish frolic in the lawn sprinkler, or just a nice, relaxing latex shower. Let the water seep under your latex and over your skin as you rub your sleek and slippery body with pleasure. Tease your latex encased playmate by splashing or trickling warm then cold water over them. A little goes a long way! Just make sure to stay hydrated and always wash your latex after wearing so the party can continue all summer long. And for the love of all things shiny, never take off a sweaty catsuit outside of the shower again!
Tips for staying cool in latex:
• Stay out of the sun as much as possible. Direct sunlight will heat latex very quickly and can damage it over time.
• Drink plenty of water. Latex encourages sweating and dehydration can occur quickly, especially if alcohol is involved.
• Hold an ice cube in your mouth to help regulate body temperature and prevent overheating.
• Wet latex is cooler than dry latex. If your latex gets too warm, hop in the pool or pour some cool water on yourself. The breeze will continue to cool the water while your latex dries, which won’t take long.
• If you begin to feel dizzy, lightheaded, or overly warm, seek shade immediately, drink water, and remove your latex.
Thanks to Stockroom, I had the pleasure of testing both Swiss Navy’s All Natural Water Based Lube, and Frolic’s Sex Toy Lubricant for Women (added bonus: Swiss Navy’s Toy and Body Cleaner). Do you know how hard it can be to conduct a lube test? While, of course, using it during sex is ideal (two birds, one stone, etc.), the heat of the moment can get in the way of a evaluating a lube properly. How can you concentrate on the details when the, uh, test run is going distractingly well? It is too easy to fall into the what thing feels good where instead of focusing on consistency and texture!
Swiss Navy’s biggest selling point for this lubricant is that it is all natural, as well as glycerin, paraben, and sugar free. Swiss Navy has smart packaging that I absolutely loved; the lube has a locking pump that dispenses the lube quickly, easily, and tidily. All you need is one available hand to get what you need!
Unfortunately, none of those positive qualities could compensate the texture of the lube itself, which was thin and extremely runny. When using it with the iRide, it dissolved far too quickly, leaving me without the extra lubrication I wanted (especially when I was struggling to get comfortable with a complicated toy). The swift absorption didn’t affect much when I was using it with a partner, fortunately, but the mess it made was huge! The Swiss Navy lube is a big sloppy mess that doesn’t have any stick at all.
Although I do have sensitive skin, I haven’t had any problems with most of the lubes I’ve tried in the past. As long as they don’t have a disastrous “massage heat” element to them, the soft parts of me are just fine. That said, perhaps the Swiss Navy lube would be better suited to someone who has a history of sensitivity toward other types of water based lube; I could see what I perceive as major downsides being less important for someone who has fewer lubricant options overall.
For as disappointed as I was with Swiss Navy’s All Natural Water-Based Lube, their toy and body cleaner is divine. It’s anti-bacterial, anti-fungal, and anti-viral. Like the lube, it comes in a delightfully simple, attractive package that makes the product easy to use. Perhaps this is TMI (is there such a thing in a sex toy review?), but I used it to clean a toy of mine after being on my period, and it worked quickly to leave my toy clean, fresh, and new.
I also had the opportunity to try out Frolic’s Specialty Toy Lubricant for Women. Although this lube is guilty of a somewhat infuriating marketing tactic (Whenever I encounter a product that is “specifically for women,” I find it immediately suspicious, especially in cases where it seems genital specific…I mean, hello, not all women have vaginas and not all vagina owners are women), I found it to be far more to my liking.
Frolic not only has the same easy pump as Swiss Navy, but has a nifty little cap that fits over the spout, and is also a water based, glycerin free lubricant. The texture is wonderfully silky, and it held up well when using it both on the iRide and with a partner. There was no issue at all in terms of lasting power, unlike the Swiss Navy lube. Naturally, it was absorbed with use, but since it didn’t start off quite so thin, it wasn’t devastatingly noticeable. Frolic also has mastered that wonderful balance between thick and slick; the lube is not runny, but just sticky enough to stay where I needed it to be.
While the Swiss Navy lube is being relegated to the runner up position, Frolic has become a new favorite, and now lives beside my bed. If you are looking for a silky water based lube, Frolic is worth a shot. If there are those of you out there who have tried the Swiss Navy lube and felt differently about it, I’d love to hear from you in the comments! Whenever I am dissatisfied with a product, especially for reasons that seem fussy, I am always interested in hearing about others’ experiences.
Even though National Masturbation Month is over, there is still plenty of time to get wet and frolic freely, so buy one of these babies and get on it! [And don’t forget to pick up Swiss Navy’s Toy and Body Cleaner for quick and easy clean up!]
About the Author:Tizzy Wall is an Oakland-based sex worker, product reviewer, writer, and general Jane-of-all-Trades in the sex industry. After working as a California certified domestic violence counselor for two years, she left the world of non-profits to pursue a life that is equal parts intellectual and salacious. Her writing can be found on various blogs over the years, and she was recently published in Glitter: Real Stories from Real Women About Sexual Desire. She also recently spoke about how to be an ally to sex workers at Catalyst Con East and West. She is currently writing for Slixa, a new advertising platform for sex workers, as well as serving as a junior editrix for The Glitterhood, and constantly reviewing sex toys.
When it comes to male masturbators, there are a lot of options and choosing the perfect one for you can be a lot of trial and error. In this review, I’ll explain why the unique and fun to use Tenga Flip Hole is one of my personal favorites! This toy, as well as other cock toys, vibrators, lube and more are available now as part of the Stockroom Masturbation Month Sale!
This is one of my favorite sex toys to demonstrate for people that are not familiar with male masturbators for a few reasons.
• It’s freaking weird to look at
• It is counter intuitive to use and has a learning curve
• I jokingly tell people, after I open it up, that this is what a woman’s vagina looks like on the inside (really check this out, it looks like some Lovecraftian terror Elder Thing)
• It is the best male masturbator out today (sorry Fleshlight)
• And last, but certainly not least, it feels better than ass, mouth or pussy
For starters, this has a weird design that has two parts. The first part is a “U” shaped outer case that fits into a couple of grooves that takes some practice to get used to. The second part is the main toy itself, a hard plastic case with three buttons and a soft Thermo Plastic Elastomer (T.P.E.) squishy rubber-like material that is shaped like balls, nubblies and thingamabobs. Once you have figured out the basic mechanics of this toy, it works beautifully.
Put on your favorite porn. Get some lube. This toy does come with three bottles of lube that get used up fast; Mild, Real, and Wild Water based lubes made by Tenga. While toys are their strong suit, their lube is average at best. Any water based lube works great, I have also used silicone lube with my toy but I can’t promise that it won’t degrade the T.P.E after time. So use the water-based lube to be safe.
Next, lube up the outer rim and the inside of the toy. To suck the lube down the length of the Flip Hole, press the bottom button to create a vacuum and draw down the lube. Speaking of buttons, that is one of the best features of this toy. Starting from the point farthest away from the hole at the top, the bottom button is used to create suction and stimulate the head of the cock. The middle button is for suction. The top button is for a hard squeeze.
The Flip Hole comes in four colors; Black, Red, White and Silver. The differences are in the softness of the T.P.E. on the inside and the texture of the internal workings. I recommend the Black one. It feels the best of all four and it it is the only that isn’t too tight of a squeeze.
When you’re done, take the Flip Hole to the sink, remove the “U” shaped outer casing, unfold it in half then rinse out your baby batter and lube santorum. Clean the ridges and edges extra well and then let it air dry. Use a little cornstarch to add longevity. This thing is good for around 50 uses.
Pros of the Tenga Flip Hole
• Best feeling sex toy out today, it really is amazing
• Three button pressure/vacuum control
• Lasts longer than manufacturer suggests (I beat the hell out of mine and I’m well over 200 uses)
• Super tight but in a good way
Cons of the Tenga Flip Hole
• Difficult to clean
• Has a learning curve to use (especially the outer case)
• The lube it comes with is so-so
If you liked this review check out the video I made that goes along with it. This toy is the best high end toy available for penises. It feels great and lasts a lot longer than they say. Of all the toys on the market today this is the one I advise all my male friends to buy for themselves or have a significant other purchase one for them as a gift.
About the Author: Ken Melvoin-Berg owns Weird Chicago Tours and Chicago's finest dungeon: "The Studio". He is the creator of the World's first Sex Tour and teaches sexuality, relationship, and kink workshops across the U.S. with his partner Sunny Megatron. In addition to authoring 14 books on various subjects; Ken is an adult content copywriter and edits/writes numerous articles on sex positivity, sexual technique, BDSM, and perversity. He is also one of the infamous Northwestern Fuck Saw Four.