Why Aftercare is Essential to BDSM: Healing Better to Play Harder

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This weekend, the esteemed sex educator Midori will be returning to Stockroom University to teach two classes: The Exquisite Whip: Amazing Hands-On Flogging Training and How to Create Amazing Scenes: Get Into Their Heads. For more details on what you can expect from the two classes, check out the Q&A with Midori that we published earlier this week.

As always, The Stockroom is very excited to host Midori, who has long been one of the most insightful people that we know. The below excerpt from her book, Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink is an excellent example of that. Aftercare is one of the elements of BDSM that is often missed in discussions about technique or negotiation, but as Midori says below, it’s essential to good, safe BDSM, and we’re often not aware of  how important it is until it’s not there or done badly.
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Essential Tools of the Dominant Woman

Her voice drops to a low purr as she leans into her beloved submissive. Her eyes narrow and lips curl into a mischievous grin. She whispers her desires and makes demands to satisfy her whims. Perhaps she feeds off moans of sensual suffering. Perhaps she seeks sexual satisfaction. Maybe she’d like pampering and amusement. This is her time. Because it’s her time, where she speaks and gets what delights her, it’s also their time. It’s a bubble of time and space where no one and nothing else matters. It is a gift to their relationship of clarity, simplicity, authenticity, confidence of belonging and pleasure.

There are four essential tools that the dominant woman needs to make this magic time happen. I also want to share with you three simple and clever tools that make the dominant woman’s play time so much easier and sweeter – more on this later!

The fundamental tools are; your voice, your gaze, your touch and your walk.

Your Voice:
Your voice sets the tone. Gives cue to the bottom on what you share now and where you may take them. Don’t rush it. Drop your voice and slow down the speech a little. If you don’t know what to say, say nothing. Silence makes bottoms squirm. Saying wicked things, hot breath in the ear, with sweet tones creates delightful dilemmas. Your voice is unique – soon your bottom will come to associate that particular tone of your voice with their happy, fun, bottom space.

Your Touch:
Your touch wakes up their senses to the moment and to your intention. Gentle caress makes their skin tingle. Rough grabs put them on alert. Stinging slaps and pinches may be rewards or punishments, depending on how their appetites run.

Your Gaze:
Your gaze reminds them that they must be present and in the here and now. The smiling eyes encouraging a bottom maybe extra strength they need to sweetly suffer through an ordeal. The gaze averted maybe a cruel denial.

Your Walk:
Practice the infamously effective “Queen’s Walk” We practice this form of movement in ForteFemme. Pull your spine up, roll your shoulders back, proudly bring your chest up and tighten your core. Put your weight on your back foot. Then walk slowly. Lock your gaze on your partner. With each step you take, take a breath. Yes, it’s that slow. It sets the tone. It sets the understanding of who owns that time and space in the moment. It’s a great tool of creating confidence in the woman and setting the stage for the partner and the scene.
These are tools that you’ll want to practice and hone over time. At first you might feel awkward, but it will come to you in time. They are subtle but powerful tools.

So now for the fun and crafty tools to make your playtime easier and sweeter!

Blindfolds:
Blindfold is a top’s best friend! With a blindfold on, ever you do is always a surprise. With a blindfold on, they won’t know your expression of befuddlement as you try to figure out some new complicated toy – or when you kick off your heels!

Comfortable Chair:
Why be uncomfortable? Being uncomfortable is the prize for the bottoms. Not something you should endure. Once you’ve Queen’s Walked your way to your ecstatic bottom, enjoy creating and conducting the scene from a place of gorgeous comfort! If you really like the regal seating for play, you might consider selecting toys that are easy to use while seated.

Collection of Kinky Erotic Fiction:
Yes, fiction. Collect and read many, many kinky fiction books. There are so many quality ones out there beyond the ones that mass media repeats. Don’t forget Laura Antoniou’s books. Various anthologies with works from many writers are great. Ernest Greene has a new one out too.

These are both you and your partner to read. For you, it will illuminate what kind of play and mindset turns you on. For your partner, find out what story and which part they liked. Try to get them to tell you what they liked about it. This will give you a deeper idea of how their pleasures are mapped out – and can be far more illuminating than a standard negotiation.

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