Sir Rucifer Returns to Stockroom University to Talk About Topping

By The Stockroom, March 16th, 2016

Sir Rucifer

How do you become a quality dominant? Not just someone who can give orders and protocols or swing a whip, but a quality dominant who’s genuinely respected by your play partners. According to Sir Rucifer, there’s a lot more to it than buying gear and deciding on a safeword; every dominant is different, and success depends on finding your own style, not imitating the images you see in the media.

This Saturday, Rucifer is returning to Stockroom University to talk about how to find that top style that suits you best and create an environment that’s safe for both doms and subs.

Can you describe a little bit about the structure of the workshop and what you’re going to cover?

It’s going to be very comprehensive. I’m going to go over misconceptions about what a dominant is, and what BDSM is, and I’m going to touch on that and dispell those myths. From there, I’ll take it into how to find your own voice as a dominant by acknowledging what these expectations are and throwing them out the window.

It’s broken into two parts. First the negotiations, and I’ll talk about how do that when starting a relationship from scratch or with an existing partner. Once you have those set up, we’ll go into the different kinds of scenes, like roleplay scenes, impact scenes, protocol scenes, psychological scenes and so on, and then how to maintain those scenes and make them work.

And I’m also going to talk about physical skills, like flogging, spanking, rope, and sensation. We’re actually going to do hands-on stuff.

What are some of the misconceptions that people have about what a dominant is?

Well, you know in porn and movies — and books as well, we see the dom as being what I call a “domly dom” — they’re not human. They just have cold, hard sadism. But people just aren’t as one-dimensional as that. For example, in Fifty Shades of Grey, people idolize the billionaire dom, but if you actually wind up in a relationship with that guy, you’re not going to like it, because it’s shallow. Same goes with Secretary. You have to break away from that domly dom aspect.

The same goes for mistresses. This class is not going to be just for men. It’s also for women. Dominant women are more than the corseted, riding-crop wielding dominatrix that you see in pin-up pictures. There are real people out there doing real BDSM.

What is a better concept of dominance than what you see in the movies?

Well, we’re real people with real problems and real fetishes, and there is no cookie-cutter thing. Everybody’s BDSM and sexual fantasies and their ideal doms or submissives are unique. So this is about how to avoid being the cookie-cutter dominant and how to find inside of yourself what turns you on and how to be safe enough to communicate that to your partner and allow them to communicate their desires to you.

It involves a lot of communication and negotiation in order to make both parties feel physically and emotionally safe. Sexual fantasies are often considered taboo in our society, so if a submissive comes up to you and they say, “Hey, I want to play with you,” you have to help them feel comfortable in revealing their sexual fantasies to you. So they might say, “Oh, I kind of like this a little bit,” to see how you’ll react. And then they might say, “Okay, I like this a little bit more than I said before,” and test your reaction. Once they feel safe, that’s when they can come out and be raw and vulnerable for real.

And the same applies for the dominant as well. The dom needs to feel safe as they reveal their own sexual fantasies.

That’s an interesting notion that doesn’t get a lot of conversation. That there needs to be consideration of the dom’s limits, too.

Yes. The dom is a person too, not just cold hard sadism and dominance. We have limitations, we have feelings, and we need to be safe in the relationship as well.

Let’s say the dom is not comfortable doing a certain kind of roleplay for whatever reason. Say the dom feels uncomfortable playing a schoolteacher. If the sub comes up and says “I want you to be my teacher and do stuff to me,” then the dom has the right to say no. It can also be a soft limit where they can say, “You know, I’m not feeling 100% safe on this, but if we build up trust and work up to it, I can do this scene.”

What do you mean by someone finding their own dom/me voice or style?

It’s when somebody breaks away from their notions of what a dom should or shouldn’t be and they can be themselves in the scene. Everybody has their dominant side inside of them already. You are the perfect dom already, and you don’t have to assume a domly voice and persona. Everybody has to develop their own style.

For example, with myself, I’m a goofy guy, so I incorporate humor into my scenes because that’s who I am. That’s my top style. I’m also a very sensual person, so I incorporate that into my style.

That’s interesting what you say about using humor, because there often tends to be this sense in kink communities that what you’re doing is very serious business and we shouldn’t laugh at it.

Yeah, it’s not all doom and gloom and Dungeons and Dragons stuff. It’s real people doing real things. It’s that doom and gloom / cloak and dagger things that I want to break free of because yes, there are a lot of people who think that’s all that BDSM is. Yes, that’s part of BDSM. If you like it and it turns you on, go for it. But that doesn’t mean it’s the only way to do it.

So can you give me an idea of how you might use humor in a scene?

Well, say for example I’m tying somebody up and I accidentally step on my rope: I can make a joke about it, or I use protocol that’s funny. With my subs, sometimes I would be like “Fetch me a stoop of wine,” and she has to say [In high squeaky voice]: “Yes, m’lord, right away, m’lord,” in that voice. We have a goofy protocols which are just for fun. I’m not really pretending to be an English Lord, and she’s not really pretending to be a 14th-century serf. It’s just a joke that we have running. It’s more like an exaggerated parody, and we’re conscious that it’s a parody. If you want to do a real scene like that, go for it, but for us it’s a parody so we play it up.